3919 Violence Femmes Info is the national reference number for women victims of violence (conjugal, sexual, psychological, forced marriages, sexual mutilation, harassment...). It offers a listening service, provides information and directs women to support and care services. This number guarantees the anonymity of the callers but is not an emergency number like 17.
Police: 17 Used in case of emergency. This number allows you to call the police or the gendarmerie in case of immediate danger.
114 by SMS: Used in case the victim can’t talk and needs to stay quiet. This number should only be used in an emergency, when a quick response is required. You should not use it to report a crime that took place several days earlier, for example.
When someone experiences domestic violence there are five main mental phases that they go through in coping with the abuse. It is necessary to move through these phases in order to try to leave a domestic violence situation. These stages are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Bargaining: Tries to talk to or reason with the abuser
3. Anger
4. Depression (and realization): Rage is turned inwards, in extreme cases it can result in suicide
5. Acceptance: This is the stage where the abused is able to take action (usually in the tension or explosion stage of the violence cycle).
Even once the victim reaches this phase, she still needs to:
1. Seek emotional support and practical help
2. Make a crisis safety plan to help keep her and her children safe
3. Get advice about her legal rights and the appropriate procedures
It is extremely important to note that the victim must be the one to move herself through these phases. It is, of course, helpful and almost necessary to have someone they can trust to talk to and rely on for support—however this does not mean that you should take over the practical aspects of the process for the victim. Resist the tendency to treat the victims as a helpless child and do everything for them. For them to be able to successfully leave the abuser and rebuild their lives, they must be in control. This will help them to regain confidence in themselves and their ability to be self-sufficient.
Many people try to cover up the abuse for a variety of reasons, and learning the warning signs of domestic abuse can help you help them:
Physical Signs:
Black eyes
Busted lips
Red or purple marks on the neck
Sprained wrists
Bruises on the arms
Emotional Signs:
Low self-esteem
Overly apologetic or meek
Fearful
Changes in sleeping or eating patterns
Anxious or on edge
Substance abuse
Symptoms of depression:
Loss of interest in once enjoyed activities and hobbies
Talking about suicide
Behavioral Signs:
Becoming withdrawn or distant
Canceling appointments or meetings at the last minute
Being late often
Excessive privacy concerning their personal life
Isolating themselves from friends and family
If you decide to reach out to an abuse victim, do so during a time of calm. Getting involved when tempers are flaring can put you in danger. Also, make sure to set aside plenty of time in case the victim decides to open up. If the person decides to disclose years of pent-up fear and frustration, you will not want to end the conversation because you have another commitment.
You can bring up the subject of domestic violence by saying “I’m worried about you because …..” or “I’m concerned about your safety…" or "I have noticed some changes that concern me..."
Maybe you've seen the person wearing clothing to cover up bruises or noticed that the person has suddenly become unusually quiet and withdrawn. Both can be signs of abuse.
Let the person know that you will be discreet about any information disclosed. Do not try to force the person to open up; let the conversation unfold at a comfortable pace.
Take it slow and easy. Just let the person know that you are available and offering a sympathetic ear.
Sometimes you don’t even need words (or at least, a lot of words), to be there for someone. Many people share that just being able to tell their story to someone else lessens the weight of isolation, secrecy and self-blame. Remember, listening in and of itself is an act of love.
If the person does decide to talk, listen to the story without being judgmental, offering advice, or suggesting solutions. Chances are if you actively listen, the person will tell you exactly what they need. Just give the person the full opportunity to talk.
You can ask clarifying questions, but mainly just let the person vent their feelings and fears. You may be the first person in which the victim has confided.
Think about a time when you felt vulnerable or faced a crisis, and think of what helped you the most. Chances are that it was not a specific conversation that you had, but it was the knowledge and comfort the person or people you told were there for you, believed in you, were on your side and were committed to supporting you through a hard time.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
“I believe you.”
“This is not your fault.”
“You’re not alone. I’m here for you and I’m glad you told me.”
Often times, a survivor may feel like what happened to them is their fault. We are bombarded with victim-blaming myths and attitudes in our society, and they can sink in…deeply.
But no action excuses a person hurting someone else. Violence and abuse is never the victim’s fault. That responsibility and shame lies with the perpetrator. It can be helpful to communicate that gently and repeatedly.
“Nothing you did or could’ve done differently makes this your fault.”
“The responsibility is on the person who hurt you.”
“No one ever has the right to hurt you.”
“I promise, you didn’t ask for this.”
“I know that it can feel like you did something wrong, but you didn’t.”
“It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t _______. No one asks to be hurt in this way.”
Some victims may not realize that their situation is abnormal because they have no other models for relationships and have gradually become accustomed to the cycle of violence. Tell the victim that violence and abuse aren't part of healthy relationships. Without judging, confirm to them that their situation is dangerous.
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